Hi friends.
Such a long time.
A future volunteer at DEPDC Thailand had a look at my blog... and is excited to begin her own adventure.
Because mine is finished?
My heart breaks. Unrealized dreams, a hurt that continually seems to break open and infect itself.
Now I'm in BC. There are more Kiwis, Aussies, Brits, Scots, Eastern Indians, Filpinos, and 'Ontaribbles' here than British Columbians. Not an exaggeration. I feel like it's the lush green grass that everyone dreams of from wherever they came from.
I don't think I did, really. I think I just wanted to come and see what all the fuss was about.
I recently read a blog about a girl from Ontario who moved out here for a year, and was disappointed with her disillusionment. Perhaps I feel the same?
A lack of community, a lack of depth. No lack of materialism, moremoremoreishness.
It feels like it's time to go home.
Perhaps it's culture shock? Perhaps, to me, nothing in the world seems to make so much sense as to enable others. What's the point in anything else? You're still going to be bored. If you buy the boat. If you buy the yaht. If you buy the new bike - the grass is still going to be the freaking same colour! Darlin', it's not getting any greener!
I've fallen in love with the beats. The beatitudes are the only thing I'm reading in my Bible right now. Overandoverandoverandoveragain. The beats are a group of individuals lumped together under the name 'beat poet'. The urban beats. The beats from the North Cascades. A kind of contemplitiveness - reminiscient - or similar to - Thomas Merton. A group of more spiritual guys than religious, believing in the beatitudes.
I soaked... soaked in, soaked up, serving the poorest of the poor.
Now I serve the richest. The ones who can afford to pay 9 grand on a couple of kayaks to put on their 60' yaht. Should I laugh? Should I sneer? Should I throw up.
I quit my job. I was really good at it (the job. not quitting.). I remember people's names, what they tell me -so I can ask them about it next time they come in. 'It's a shame Nicola -we really like you here, and my customers really like you here'. The only job that turned me down after an interview was McDonalds. I like working hard. I can't do that job anymore though. I'm sorry. I'm sorry commitment. I tried so very hard. I came out here, when I was offered other better paying jobs, a rewarding writing placement.
Some friends from Ontario are driving out and we're cycling to San Fransisco together.
"Why San Fransisco? Why not san Fransisco, is really the only reason I can give. Destinations for cycling trips are less about the actual destination and more about the journey and the accomplishment when you actually arrive." A.H. (cycling friend. currently en route to BC).
This summer, I have learned how to change a bike tube, how to walk slower to use up time, how to bake a fresh loaf artisan olive bread. I went to Bikram yoga, kayaked ten days in a tow, and have learned to drink lots of water (also to use up time).
I have learned about the Beat poets though, and right now... that seems like a good as reason as any to have come out here. : ).
Maybe I don't need a reason. Maybe... I will just... be : ).
