'Frisco. home of the beats.

I have one regret in the past ... year or so. That doesn't mean I haven't made mistakes. I have. But I've tried to rebuild/repair bridges soon after I foolishly burn them. Sometimes this makes relationships stronger. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the relationships graduate to the 'grounded in grace' stage, which seems to be a humbling/genuine/i can fall alseep crying on your couch kind of thing. I've made lots of silly decisions, but I can own them and let them go. I have only one regret. I regret not buying a poetry book from a homeless man in San Fransisco. His name is Ricky Teague, and I regret not standing with him for ten more seconds. Truly! Ricky Teague, you'll see him if you go. A voice like a dove and rusty railroad tracks. He tried to sell me the 'street sheet', a 'Frisco newspaper written and edited by the homeless in San Fransisco. Incidentally, my visa had been cancelled and an ATM machine ate my debit card, so I was left in San Fran with the little money I had left from my last transaction a couple days previous in Arcada, Cali. Arcada, where Rachel and I were approached by a couple at a mall who invited us to their beach-side house a couple miles away. Those kind of things happen when you have your house on wheels behind you wrapped up in a pannier. Their porch and windowsills were covered in shells and the like. They served us garlic zuccini and chocolate. On the pier in Frisco I pulled out the 'street sheet' Ricky Taegue had given me - given me, I had no money - and we sat on the papers while sipping red wine and tasting fresh sourough and exquisite cheeses, watching the sun drop below the bridge where the strings of lights glowed across the bay. I packed my bike up in the papers after that, tucked them caringly around the spokes and chain. I didn't read them after that. The funny thing - about trips that don't happen unless you decide to do them - is that the memories grow better with age. I'de pack my life in a panier again in a second. The destination is important (Frisco. home of the beat poets), but the journey - oh, the journey. Seals outside the tent camped above tide pools just outside a cliffed village in the mist; night riding - the unity of teamwork; cycling amongst giants each handplanted by God on rolling mountains; friends on journey and a mission to somewhere.

And now. I struggle to find the balance between inclusivity and boundaries, trust and naivety, risking and guarding. 'Tis the journey. But where, where, am I going?

in a pannier.

Hi friends.

Such a long time.

A future volunteer at DEPDC Thailand had a look at my blog... and is excited to begin her own adventure.

Because mine is finished?

My heart breaks. Unrealized dreams, a hurt that continually seems to break open and infect itself.

Now I'm in BC. There are more Kiwis, Aussies, Brits, Scots, Eastern Indians, Filpinos, and 'Ontaribbles' here than British Columbians. Not an exaggeration. I feel like it's the lush green grass that everyone dreams of from wherever they came from.

I don't think I did, really. I think I just wanted to come and see what all the fuss was about.
I recently read a blog about a girl from Ontario who moved out here for a year, and was disappointed with her disillusionment. Perhaps I feel the same?

A lack of community, a lack of depth. No lack of materialism, moremoremoreishness.

It feels like it's time to go home.

Perhaps it's culture shock? Perhaps, to me, nothing in the world seems to make so much sense as to enable others. What's the point in anything else? You're still going to be bored. If you buy the boat. If you buy the yaht. If you buy the new bike - the grass is still going to be the freaking same colour! Darlin', it's not getting any greener!

I've fallen in love with the beats. The beatitudes are the only thing I'm reading in my Bible right now. Overandoverandoverandoveragain. The beats are a group of individuals lumped together under the name 'beat poet'. The urban beats. The beats from the North Cascades. A kind of contemplitiveness - reminiscient - or similar to - Thomas Merton. A group of more spiritual guys than religious, believing in the beatitudes.

I soaked... soaked in, soaked up, serving the poorest of the poor.
Now I serve the richest. The ones who can afford to pay 9 grand on a couple of kayaks to put on their 60' yaht. Should I laugh? Should I sneer? Should I throw up.

I quit my job. I was really good at it (the job. not quitting.). I remember people's names, what they tell me -so I can ask them about it next time they come in. 'It's a shame Nicola -we really like you here, and my customers really like you here'. The only job that turned me down after an interview was McDonalds. I like working hard. I can't do that job anymore though. I'm sorry. I'm sorry commitment. I tried so very hard. I came out here, when I was offered other better paying jobs, a rewarding writing placement.

Some friends from Ontario are driving out and we're cycling to San Fransisco together.
"Why San Fransisco? Why not san Fransisco, is really the only reason I can give. Destinations for cycling trips are less about the actual destination and more about the journey and the accomplishment when you actually arrive." A.H. (cycling friend. currently en route to BC).

This summer, I have learned how to change a bike tube, how to walk slower to use up time, how to bake a fresh loaf artisan olive bread. I went to Bikram yoga, kayaked ten days in a tow, and have learned to drink lots of water (also to use up time).

I have learned about the Beat poets though, and right now... that seems like a good as reason as any to have come out here. : ).

Maybe I don't need a reason. Maybe... I will just... be : ).

'on the way back'. a lovely concept.

Katie Ironside has just pointed out that my departure from Thailand was exactly a year after I left the first time, with our class at SSU. I suppose this must have some unconscious meaning, yet eludes me at the moment and so will leave it as an interesting anecdote.

I’m currently in transit on my way back to Canada from Thailand. I’m in dreary yet lovely London at the moment, as ‘on the way back’ is a lovely concept when you’re on the other side of the world, and nearly everything except for Vancouver and Hawaii is ‘on the way’. I’m currently visiting with family and friends.

I’m up early this morning, hungry and thinking of all the Thai food I would love to eat... having an imaginary conversation in Thai with a food vendor in my head as I lie in bed, trying to come to terms with invariably losing this language that I’ve worked hard to learn. Such is jetlag. Yet, I did tend to wake up at 6am in Thailand as well.

croissants. yum. much better than green curry in the morning.

I will reserve the next blog for writing about my trip to Laos. Methinks it deserves some blog space : )

painting for peace

Last Friday my CLC class of Novice Monks and I chatted about the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and what that means to us.

On Monday we finished our lesson 15 minutes after class was supposed to be finished. They had completed their 1 1/2 hour English exam (with flying colours... I just marked them) and listened to a song that my friend Andrew had made from a poem La (one of the students) had liked.

When class was over (late, as always), they still sat. Moei asked if we could read the four points of the UDHR again that I had introduced on Friday. We read them all together again, and I assigned their last journal article, to be handed in today, Wednesday. Just... their thoughts :)

Human rights have useful to people. If not have human right. It must be born sell people and buy people. The people not have rights. The people don't obey each other. don't understand each other. If not have nationality don't know who is who. who live where. If not have Universal Declaration if must born World War III. Universal Declaration important to people. - Moei

My country don't a rights and free. because. My country is communist. don't have dignity and rights. the residents of a country don't is rights election as not equal same other country. I wan my country Burma all people are born equal, free, and have dignity and rights.
- Dang

Tonight, Wednesday night, was our last night together. On Saturday morning I am leaving for Laos with the DEPDC team until I fly out next Thursday. We went over the tests from Monday, learned one more article from the UDHR concerning the right to genuine elections (in light of Myanmar's upcoming election), and then spent the rest of the class painting our thoughts towards the human rights lesson content. Dang said he had never painted before, and so we all learned together, how to mix colours, to clean the brushes in the water before we used them again, and how to spray the paper to make little dots all over (La had fun with this... he's the smiling one spraying his paper with green paint). They painted the little cd cases I had made for them (I burned each a cd of songs we had used in class) and pieces of canvas an artist had given me in Chiang Mai. Most of them painted the Shan flag. Shan is their nationality, even though they are from Myanmar. Because they're not ethnic Burmese or ethnic Thai neither country will give them citizenship. Here, they are termed, 'stateless', or 'undocumented'. There are many minority ethnicities/nationalities in Thailand and Myanmar, all whom aren't citizens of any recognized country. "If not have nationality don't know who is who. who live where." Hm. Man, these are some smart monks. I feel so honoured to have been their teacher. I hope you have also been blessed by the reflection, peace, simplicity, and quiet learning these teenage boys continually demonstrate.

exhausted quite.

You know when you look in your mirror and think, 'oh, I forgot to wash off my mascara'. And remember, 'oh wait, I don't wear mascara...' *sigh. That was me this morning, even after my housemate let me sleep in until 10:30am... I don't think I have ever slept that late as long as I've been here. I feel exhausted in every sense, I am making lists upon lists just so I can cross something off and feel like I'm catching up with myself :).


This past week my kids presented the play we had been working on for the last couple months: the first every English play at DEPDC- this year, 'Peter Pan'! Our aim was to encourage the audience that English isn't so hard, and perhaps by seeing their children and friends speak it, they would try harder at their studies or, if they were one of the adults or parents in attendance, to join an evening class. It was very, very fun :).


Do you remember KiangSaen? She was one of my students in my evening classes... she went to Bangkok about a month or two ago with her brother, even though she didn't want to go. I hadn't heard from her and didn't know what she was going to do. On Sunday after Church I got a call from her for the first time since she left! She called to say she was safe and she was planning on coming back to Mae Sai for June to begin class at Mum Cherry's Bible College. Yes. Please Celebrate with me. Throw your hat in the air. And keep praying :).


After exams on Monday (yesterday) I went to Tachileik to visit with my friend Menut. I had brought her a birthday present. A single pearl on a silver chain. It was late... I always take a while to decide what to give. Menut is... lovely. She is strong and pure in heart. I want to learn from her, how to guard my heart. Once a man told me, when I had asked why he so persisted in pursuing me, that when someone finds a treasure, he sells everything else he owns in order to have that treasure... I wanted to give Menut a pearl so she would always remember that she is a priceless treasure. She started her first day in a seven-day prayer walk around her neighborhood this morning. Please pray for her safety as she walks each morning this week.


I love to go to her house... I love to sit on her porch and watch life go by. I adore that city. Her Mum wanted to give me something to remember Myanmar that I could not get in Canada... and so she had me choose some material that she had and made me my very only longi (sp?). The skirt that wraps around your waste... I adore it. It's lovely. I can't wait to wear it to Church on Sunday. This is her Mum making it for me. I am amazed by this woman. Amazed. I watched her fix her fence, fix her sewing machine, sew up a longi, make lunch- I kept telling Menut how her Mum was so similar to mine. I wish they could meet... I really do. Her Mum has started calling me 'Ackah', the third daughter. When I needed to leave to make it back to Thailand in time, she wrapped two hunks of salted meat together that she had bought specially for the occasion; newspaper, string tied tight, and a bag. A present for first mother, from second mother. So... as long as Air Asia and WestJet will let me take salted meat home in my luggage, I am bringing home a special present for you, Mum. A present for first mother, from second mother.


hm. she also offered her sandals to me after she saw mine... the hole in the sole of my left sandal is getting bigger... perhaps when an elderly single Mom from Myanmar offers you her shoes, it's time to invest in another pair :S.

class

After reviewing directions and characteristics, we delved into the UDHR. First. history. Why do we need to declare that every human being has inherent rights? Made after WWII, country leaders intended to draw up a universal list of rights for all humanity, to ...

hm. after much board-sketching and charades, we all understood that we are talking about WWII. I drew out from them facts about the war: what countries were involved? what happened? I asked them about what happened in Germany, as the UDHR was largely a response to the atrocities committed during the holocaust.

nothing! wow. My monks had never learned this. But- I was certain-- I continued pressing the topic, giving more clues, even drawing the stereotypical face of Hitler with his moustache. Nothing. They'de never even heard his name before. Interesting- we get tricked into thinking that knowledge just comes with age... but it really does come with education ;).

After giving a brief overview of WWII, we talked about 4 articles of the Declaration. At the end, I asked them what they thought. There were wide smiles all around the table and nodding, 'very good, very good'. Moei said that if people do not listen to the rules there will be another world war.

Yes. He understands. The concept that where human rights are deprived, there is violence. Perhaps not direct violence, 'just' structural violence, but that if not creatively and gracefully dealt with, will transform into direct violence. People can only be treated as less than human for so long, and then their inherent right to dignity clicks in. Interesting.

That was a good class. It's always a good class when the teacher learns just as much as the students :).

The Summer Day, by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

(stolen from Ashley Burtch's blog at http://ashburtch.wordpress.com/)

But I want to.

pre-script: when did I get so controversial and opinionated? oh dear me.

I just watched Avatar. The media guy, Phi Kon, gave it to us today because it didn't have Thai on it. Blatantly illegal copies... good times :S. The last time I went to Chiang Mai I met an Akha natural healer on the bus on the way there. He works at the Akha Association in Chiang Rai. He told me to watch it, as it is supposedly packed with symbolism, about colonialism, about human rights. He was a great man... the only guy in six villages to graduate from University. He had a quiet peace about him... very calming. He is working on health education media projects within remote Akha villages.


I'm not sure if it directly correlates... but I want to write about last night. Last night we (the vols) were invited to our friend's NGO, called 'Ban Doyy' (spelled weird here for google sake). Ban Doyy is a healing centre for kids affected by HIV AIDS, and was started by two European women, Phi Kate and Babsi. My friend Gaywaa and went to the lake for the afternoon, so he came along for the campfire at Ban Doy as well. I was ... accustomed. sort of. with the Thai perception of 'Burmese', but I'm still shocked every time. Once when Gaywaa dropped me off from dinner with Mum Cherry I invited him to meet my land ladies. He asked if they were Thai - 'yeah' - okay, I think its better if I leave... whhattt?? I am thankful for my Canadian education (and also the culture/education of my family probably too) that I firmly believe that we are all equals. Firmly. I know the hurt and the stereotypes run deep, but arrogant people with narrow minds who choose not to listen to common sense - I feel sorry for them. From Phi A, my land lady, who has warned me repeatedly not to be friends with people from Myanmar, 'Phi Nicci, they are not kon Thai (Thai people), you cannot trust them', to Phi Kon, Phi Kate's Thai boyfriend who also lives at Ban Doyy who refused to recognize a word that came from Gaywaa's mouth, harshly and sarcastically repeating that he doesn't understand him, to the eldest girl staying at Baan Doi who also refused to let the other kids talk to Gaywaa. Oh, dang. I had no idea. I know I need to recognize the conflict and spite between the two countries... but I just really thinks it's so stupid. Especially when people heap a whole country's stereotype on one person. Gaywaa's not even Burmese, he's Karen - he was forced to learn Burmese in school, as they had banned teaching the minority dialects. Anyway. I don't know how much that has to do with Avatar. But... it feels like it does a bit. The other day Phi A (land lady) struck up the courage to ask me where my 'Burmese' friends were, and even that I could invite them to be with us. I know that took a lot of pride-swallowing and open-mindedness on her part, and I am grateful for the effort. I'm glad I don't have to jump over hurdles to believe in an other's dignity and equality. But just as I was educated in that way, they were educated differently, so one cannot blame them- something so contrary to common sense could only be institutionalized and force fed. Hm. Though... I may get slightly offended when someone assumes I am from America. I think I do it more for fun though... and now I shall stop. I'm sorry for being narrow minded for the sake of my humour and my pride. Encouraging stereotypes and disrespect - just. really. doesn't. help. anyone. Prejudices aren't a fact because you learned them, they are the material of ignorance; the failure to self-reflect and find creative solutions.

I am speaking out of line... I don't understand. But I want to.

Thoughts from here #2

Some Hmong needlework designs I found in a shop in a border town near Laos on Saturday. Beautiful.


Having fun on the back of Sarah's motor-cy on the way back from an other friend's wedding on Saturday. I can't believe how much fun I have missed out on by just realizing now that I can make faces in the back of Sarah's shiney helmet! H'amazing.


On Sunday after Church I was looking forward to spending an afternoon at the lake with Gaywaa and some others, and was disappointed when he had to change his border pass instead. But then, my friend Thae Thae called and we spent the entire afternoon chatting and praying together. She was off from YWAM translating duties for two days and made the trip up to Mae Sai. She is the one I met on the bus down to Chiang Mai on Boxing Day. Last month she started renting our Church's old kindergarten building in order to transform it into a youth drop-in centre: a place for people to pray, to sleep, to learn, to laugh, to cry, to be. This is the beginning of her dream we talked about on the bus! She gave me a tour of the run down building and we prayed over it. Wow. This place is perfect. Really. Really really. Close to the border, right downtown and behind the market, yet quiet. I'm sold. This is the front of the building- it's shaded by overhanging vines and is private from the street by a bushy bamboo fence. It's so beautiful... in a yearning to be redeemed kind of way :). We sat in a cafe and talked about what her next steps will be. I wrote down a list of things she needs to include in a letter asking for a sponsor/sponsors. She will send it to me when it is finished for me to proper-English-ize. Oh wow... I want to be part of this. I want to paint the building and have a paint fight in 6 different languages, I want to help her design a cafe under the vines, I want to plant a garden on the wide ledge next to the laundry balcony, I want to clear the backyard and plant vegetables.

embrace of grace #5708

"God cares way more about me getting to know Him than what I can "do" for Him."

Wise words of the day from my friend Geoff. He is in Africa as an International Development Studies intern. You can find his blog here.

http://pilgrimperspectivesfrompemba.blogspot.com/

It's neat how we are both learning this simple gospel fact in places that would stereotypically need our 'help' the most.

Yesterday I went to a wedding at the Burmese Church. My friend All Rain's wife ran up to me after the service and gave me a big hug. I'm SO glad she speaks Thai... I feel like we share a secret language in a sea of Burmese speakers. I had been looking for her in the congregation but couldn't find her-- and was overjoyed that she had come and I got to see her again. After hugging and chatting I turned to All Rain and exclaimed, 'your wife is beautiful!' I so, so yearn to be here longer to establish a real relationship with her... I feel like we could be like sisters. God definitely has a sense of humour. Praise His name.

I am trying to read the beatitudes every day of lent... and the more I read them... and the more I live... I'm beginning to think he was actually being completely straightforward and serious... so blatant its almost funny.

soaking.

I think I’m soaking again... ;)

I get in a bit of a phase before I leave or go anywhere. I intentionally open up all my senses and... soak. So much of the time I’m focused and business-oriented, unconsciously blocking my senses out unless I need them to accomplish my goal. When I am preparing myself to leave somewhere though... I want to remember the smell, the feel, the sounds, my mood, the atmosphere. I can take myself back to a canoe trip on the Spanish river, swimming down the rapids in the sunset. I can re-experience the last night of our time alone on the Buffalo River in Arkansas, before I and the Summit students joined the staff and interns again. I can feel the wet mud soaking through my clothes on my last mountain bike race, and the taste of coronation chicken atop chalk cliffs on my last day with my mentor in England. I can smell the scent of wet leaves as I walked along our country road for the last time before our house would be sold while I am away. And now... I’m soaking. I feel like I have trained myself to soak continuously. My friend asked me why I haven’t written a blog recently... I think it’s because I’ve been soaking? Soaking up the smells, the laughter of friends, the calls of children, the facial expressions of my monks, the cloudy stars, the crickets, the smell of incense. My heart groans.

I’m leaving Mae Sai in three weeks... mmmmm and I’m soaking it all up : )

Mango season has arrived in all it's glory.



Hanging bananas on our window to ripen. Did you know if you hang bananas they don't go black? genius.

Oranges and Pomegranates

Last night I came down with a buat hua (bad headache) and a kaw jep (sore throat). This morning when I woke up after 10 hours of sleep I felt like the neighbour's pregnant cat had crawled into my throat for a nap. I attempted to read out stories, poems, and quotes on peace as well as Olympic medal results and weather updates (the smog is coming!) on DEPDC's Child Voice Radio's English hour this morning... only to realize I had forgotten to turn the mic on for the first half hour (I was actually so pleased with how I reacted to my mistake. Laughter is good for the soul. No need to get upset over something you can't help now. Thailand is good for me I think.) I went to a the Muslim restaurant for lunch and the spicy 'kaew suoy' mixture of noodles and chicken soothed my throat as I read some Paolo Coelho and guiltily waited for a beggar to leave.

Sometimes I challenge myself. If I can't provide a meal to a beggar, than I look him or her in the eye and tell them not today. Ignoring people completely is an insult to human dignity. And then they wait. Sometimes for five solid minutes. And sometimes I just use it as an exercise to not be pressed into something by guilt. I know that sounds terrible... but begging here is a huge trafficking problem and unless I know them I will not give them money. It's making me really look at why I do things (guilt doesn't seem like a good reason to do something).

I wandered the market feeling lonely and harassed by the vendors... though I get a kick out of answering in Thai when they greet me in English. I bought a lovely pink shirt. *gasp! Pink! I know. What is the world coming too? Don't worry... it has lime green swirls :).



Oranges. Pomegranates. Ptolamais (fruit) from the market eaten in abundance will chase my cold away.

I visited my friend the elderly Chinese man who owns a bag store in the market, sat and drank tea with him for while, and then went to drown myself in the comfort of an earl grey tea at the cafe while reading my online uni texts for this week. 'Interpersonal Conflict'.

I snapped a shot tonight in class... my new Burmese bag stuffed with school books and others. What I'm reading right now: The Valkyries by Paolo Coelho, and Punk Monk by Pete Greig and Andy Freeman.



"The best part of my day was when Nong Eh and I sat on the wall watching the sunset before English class"

At the end of every evening class we talk about the best and worst parts of our day.

After class Nong Eh (eleven years old. hilarious. but just... a little girl) turned up with a massive cup of water and pill that was for fevers. 'Gin yut yut!' (drink up!). We crept out on to the ledge on the roof, I played with her hair and we talked about the stars and about life. This Nong A playing on my bike while we waited for the bus together last week.

It's about that time again! With one month left, I must deal with the ensuing problem of where to live next. It's looking like tree-planting again. Learning French again... and biking to school in August. I was offered a job in BC at a river/camping outfitter's shop with some of the sweetest people in the world. I was contemplating today whether my decision to go tree-planting is a self-sabotage. You know when things are going really super well and you unconsciously think that you don't deserve it, and then unconsciously almost punish yourself... because you think things couldn't possibly keep being this good, so you decided to control it and bring it down yourself, you know? Oooo--eee! (<-- Thai idiosyncrasy I seemed to have picked up) I feel like I am a much harsher critic of myself that God is. He already paid the price, and living like He didn't doesn't help anybody. Cheers to shining and being a lamp and daring to squeeze out life like a lemon. Mm. who doesn't like lemonade now, really? I'll have to think about my summer a little bit more: living on a river in a kayak is truly tempting... but school needs to be paid for as well.

All Rain's wedding is tomorrow. I'm going to a pull a 'Grade 2 photo day' trick and braid my hair tonight so it will be curly in the morning :).

Eagerly awaiting mango season- the mangoes in the market are slowly becoming yellower and yellower... maybe in two weeks?

For now: At LEAST two days ahead filled with oranges and pomegranates. Lovely.

God bless you today :)

The smog is coming! The smog is coming! It seems as if the grey horizons are going to swallow the gorgeous blue winter sky whole in maybe a week or so? *sigh. I'm a sky person I think... often my attitude is dictated by whether there's a blue sky or not. Maybe that's why I'm so happy here? Constant crystal clear blue skies...

My time is almost coming to an end here. I'm leaving for KL to visit my friend Clarice on March 25th before going to England to visit the grandparents, and then home. I'm writing in the morning before school... with a hot cup of tea in a lime green mug, and a bowl of muesli drenched in milk topped with honey and bananas... in a lime green bowl ;). My laundry lady just popped by to collect laundry money. I had been to visit her on Monday night to give her some flowers for a late Valentines gift... the ladies who work at my favourite food stall had bestowed me with bunches of flowers (oh, the generosity. Even after sharing with the laundry lady a big bunch of carnations and pink roses sit on the head of my bed)-- this morning she came bearing little pastries for my lunch. She knows I will be leaving next month and today asked how many months I will be gone for... 'gansiksaw kong Nicola yang my set' -' my education isn't finished yet' - I will be gone for at least 20 months. Her broken little old lady glasses fogged up and she started to cry... she said she had been thinking and thinking about it for the past couple days and it had given her a 'buat hua'- a headache.

In the last couple weeks I feel like I've aged a year. A student in my evening class decided she wanted to follow Jesus instead of Buddha and became a Christian. My friend Orang was forced to have a shotgun wedding - happening this coming Saturday - as he had been found kissing his girlfriend in her house. Anger to dissappointment to unwavering love and support. I also got baptized at a dump in Myanmar last Saturday. I wrote a massive e-mail about it but its too big to put up on here... please let me know if you'de like me to send it to you... it's a pretty cool story.

Yet... even though my life seems so busy and dramatic and - I would say lovely - still.. the most favourite parts of my day are... hm. the sun rays that comes through the slats in the bathroom in the morning. The little ledge on the roof I can sit on at the centre after evening classes to watch the stars. Chatting to a teacher at the Burmese school. Washing my feet in the evenings. Listening to crickets as I fall asleep. Fallen flowers on a path.

God bless you today :)

being consciously

I sit here, computer in typing distance, text in reading distance, and food in friend distance. Milk and cookies make me feel less alone, and like I have an alternative to my present reality. Like if I should decide at any moment that I am quite bored with this or don’t understand, I can subject myself to the glory of chocolate and milk.

(in-between-the-lines thoughts while making text notes on an online class reading)

(thanks to my monks for treating me to a gift of chocolate cookies. yum.)

from inward/outward

Becoming the World

By Henri J. M. Nouwen on 02-04-2010

When I really bring others into my innermost being and feel their pains, their struggles, their cries in my own soul, then I leave myself, so to speak, and become them; then I have compassion. Compassion lies at the heart of our prayer for our fellow human beings. When I pray for the world, I become the world; when I pray for the endless needs of the millions, my soul expands and wants to embrace them all and bring them into the presence of God. But in the midst of that experience I realize that compassion is not mine but God's gift to me. I cannot embrace the world, but God can.

• The Genesee Diary

e-mail to myself.

You can do it Nicola! You can do it.

Remember. You have GOOD ideas, even though you can't always see the big picture you've got the little steps really well! You can't do everything, but what you can do, you will do. Use your trusty Canadian education, and always act out of your firm belief in equality and human rights! woop woop!

-yourself.

(an e-mail I sent myself while I was sending attachments. and then realized I was actually writing an encouragement note to myself... and thought it was too funny not to share. You should try it. What would you write in an e-mail note to yourself?)

just news

Holler friends! If you're not on my e-mail list and you want to celebrate with me, comment to tell me you want me to send you an e-mail ;).

My evening class of monks (which keep expanding... :S) and my friend KiangSen, who attends from the local jewellery factory.


On a side note, I also ended up entering into a race last weekend (of which I am still feeling the painful side-effects from... I couldn't even ride my bike earlier this week. This is what comes from not training), the 'Mai Sai Mini Marathon'. I had a lovely time and actually ended up winning in my division! I also got to see more of Mai Sai as we ran along the little mountain side-streets (also very painful hills). In the picture you can see Lois, a missionary's daughter from Singapore who attends the Burmese Church, Elphia also from Singapore as a missionary, myself, and the race coordinator. It was a lovely time of making new friends and having fun with old ones :).

monk journals.

Monk journal update:

From Moei (second from the left), Thursday January 28th.

I have two are cat. they are friends with me. I give them food everyday. When I sad I have them play with me. They are pretty and they are help each other. They are play with people everyday.

When I watches news on the t.v. I saw earthquak in Haity. many people die. When I watches. I am feel sad and people poor in the Haity.

From my new student, Yeejun (not in the picture), Friday, January 29th.

I'm Yeejun. I have many friends. They are very good my friend. Sometime I have homwork they help me. Sometimes what they have I help they too. My friends are they live in Wat Pha Thak Mae Sai. I love they very much.

Pringles and Canadian idealism

I did it. I clicked the 'new post' button. :) I am so proud of myself!

I struggle; with a contradiction.
Mrs. Barth said that we're all equals.
No one is better or worse than anyone else,
Colouring the white face beside the black, beside the brown.
'Red and yellow, black and white, we are precious in his sight...'

My mind adamantly screams, 'we are equal!'
yet my friend Menut, tells me again how blessed her family was to have me in their house.
me!
That her Mom never believed they would actually have a foreigner in their house.

My mind stubbornly states, 'there is no different between me and you!'
and I can say that, because I'm richer than they are.
If they were to say that, it would be a joke. and they would laugh.
and we would hide the UDHR behind our backs, smile nervously, and back away.

Ach! I'm not trying to write to rise emotions. I just don't know how to deal with what I see here. I've decided I don't have culture shock, I culture fatigue. I'm tired from seeing so many kids not loved. From seeing so much in justice. As an educated Canadian, I'm exhausted from seeing so much inequality. Though, probably not as tired as my 'equals' here who work long hours building houses in flipflops, or who drag bags of recycling across the city with a baby on their hip to make the 10Baht or so from a bag of bottles, or even those who cook noodles all day to make a pittance.

It's just that... we all like to hear something that makes us feel good, but there's so dang much in the world that we just can't feel good about.

Did you know that there are 300 million people in China who make less than one dollar a day? Phew! That's ten times the amount of people IN Canada! I always said, 'well, that's not that bad, their currency is worth a lot less than ours.' But... even on the other side of the world you can barely keep from starving/freezing on one dollar day. And it gets really cold during the winter. To fight for the right to live is a little less than the full potential available for humanity.

So, as I walked home from Tesco Lotus on a depression-fueled shopping trip after I had visited an other NGO kid's shelter this morning, I devoured a 'convenienze-sized' packet of Pringles, and two cinnamon buns. I also bought TimTams and a little container of Yeast, so I can attempt to make bread in my little toaster oven. I walked past the school where two girls I know attend, who shouted out their classroom window, 'Phi Nicci!! bai nai?' (Older sister Nicci! Where are you going/whats up?). I also met the man down my street who always attempts to speak English to me and who actually kind of creeps me out a bit... he asked me where I had been, and that he thought I went back to 'America'... 'no, no, I haven't... I bike here every morning and every night, like usual... 'okay, see you later...' So, I walked on, him with a dejected look on his face like he had been waiting to talk to me for 3 weeks and I had just blown him off, and depressed me with my outrageously priced bag of potato chips feeling like I don't know how to do anything right. *sigh.

And that's where my head is at :).
I'm not usually sad. I'm usually quite happy. Tired, but happy.
But, sometimes reality hits me.
That we're all not living adventures, and when I go home in two months, they will still be here. Year after year. That they're not just playing parts in a play, and I just happened to get a sweet role. Hm.


These are my grade ones :).
When I get depressed about the inequality of life I like to go on my friend Katie's blog at http://kfar.blogspot.com/ . She lives in Budapest and she creates stuff. And it's refreshing.

I also bought a chocolate chip cookie mix today and am excited to see if I can make cookies in my toaster oven... :)